Forumberichten van Mahatmabolika

Hey Aunt,

i feel you. Been struggling with the same issue for a long time.

I used to be an avid gamer as well (still play from time to time but my graphics card is shit, which acts like a welcome inhibitor). Used to have an insane gamer score on xbox and was always good at just grinding – xp, gear or another made-up value – make number go up.

I also have been drawing all my life but only started to take it seriously during the last 5 years. Did the draw-a-box as well. Figure/gesture drawing. I am almost through the proko anatomy course which I never thought possible – knowing what an extensor carpi ulnaris is and starting to be sort of OK at hand drawing... fucking amazing. Still very far from any kind of mastery, though.

That said, I always felt, deep within, that the act of drawing/painting/practicing tapped into a similar mindset as grinding or for that matter even 'just playing' a video-game, which I didn't even enjoy some of the time but did anyways and quite effectively for that matter. After years of practive I am starting to be able to use that energy for drawing as well. Don't get me wrong, that's like one in ten times but I am starting to get better at it.

There were two factors that made it possible for me:

Psychological weight: I (as I guess many other unfortunate souls in our society) have always used 'performance' as a sorry substitute for naturally inherent self-worth. I had to be good at everything and even if I won by a mile I would barely feel OK for a short time. Never there, never OK, never satisfied. Numbers lend themselves very well to satisify this addiction, hence the whole video game thing, but also 'how long did you draw', 'how long is everybody else drawing' and even worse: how 'good' are you at drawing. Drawing 'realistically' (which strangely is the measure most people – especially laymen – use to determine the quality of a picture) is a very difficult thing to learn as it just takes a long time, but you know that. For me the hardest thing was to deal with the ever occuring failure as it implied not just a shit drawing but a shit me. Every picture I made – no matter how small - had to be perfect, presentable, impressing to other people. Working under this pressure of course was unsustainable for any longer stretch of time. I sometimes had to quit after literally seconds.

How did I overcome this? Drawing for the trash can. Get the cheapest paper you can find. I used A3 copy paper. Ideally use an unerasable pen or just don't erase any lines. Then do your studies and literally throw away all you draw, no matter how nice it came out. Focus on the process (as in state of mind, state of emotions) as the practice goal, not the drawings. If you have to adjust an obvious mistake, repeat the pose (or whatever you draw) from scratch. Do not adjust anything you already did. This practice lowered the 'value' of the indivudual sketch from self-worth-defining ordeal, to a random skribble and lowered the voice that would scream in my head to a level, that I could stand for longer than 5 minutes – and I went from there.

The other factor is a lot less spectacular but a strong one nonetheless: Keep your dopamine in check. Gaming, porn but even worse social media and youtube (my worst vice) are made to bombard your brain with dopamine. Your mind becomes a five year old only child, juiced up on sugar and narcissism. Of course you won't be able to concentrate on a pristine and mindful task as crafting a picture for hours on end or studying anatomy and the like. Detox. Be bored. Go for a walk without your mobile phone and without music. Just sit there. Anywhere. Just be. Make time and space for 'nothingness'. This really feels like shit initially but worked wonders for me.

All of this said: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Be kind to yourself, man. You should be very proud of what you have achieved. You have already proven you can do it, for sticking with it for this long. Just keep going. Be patient and enjoy the ride.